I really want to have a neat response to this. The truth is, at this point of life I've had to ask a few identities to take a long vacation - the really demanding ones that took lots and lots of time and focus (creative and social) and focus on the ones that are more focused on survival (Mum, spiritual, income earner). I trust that the ones on holiday will come back refreshed and eager when the time is right, but I might have to reinvite them gently. Really all the parts just want you to be well, so knowing what I need to cope helps me work out where to focus my energy.
This is so brilliant, Eva! I think this is right, and the parts that keep humans alive and keeping money coming do have a way of crowding other parts out. I love that you manage to keep your spiritual life up there with these. Sustenance and oxygen—this is what spirit is too. Sending so much love to you and the family right now xoxoxo
Thanks Ro xx I also have been thinking about this and realise I don't really send the creator and social one away as such, I just give them little fun jobs to do. Like those over enthusiastic kids in the class who tend to take over. Here's a 30 second voice memo to sing into. Here's a haiku to write. Here's a work task you can spice up. I just try to keep them away from really big big projects and stages for a while cause they can get real diva then and override the balance of the whole ecosystem.
Story. Of. My. Flippin.’ Life!!!! I love this piece. You describe this struggle aptly and with such humor.!
I can’t tell you how many different strategies I’ve tried. There was a time when I’d make elaborate graphs and diagrams of how I’d be evenly dividing up my time from this moment hence. Only problem was that “Flow-With-The-Moment” didn’t give a rat’s ass what “If-You-Just-Make-a-Plan” had in mind for her!
I left my job recently, so I’ve got some time on my hands. Priority #1 is figuring out how to move through my days and weeks in this more integrated way. I’m talking experiments, ruthlessly weeding out extraneous activities that distract me from this endeavor, and making note of what works and doesn’t.
Good luck in your own integration endeavor! I look forward to hearing more!
And it is so completely familiar! Way too many selves to juggle through the days, weeks, years.. ;)
For now my best method is having time blocks for each self. I have my mommy blocks (automatic default when around my kids, they scare the others away..), my writer blocks (no, not those type of blocks luckily!), my spiritual self blocks, and my entrepeneur blocks. Luckily, the last one gets to have a vacation now while the others are playing, because I couldn't manage them all.. Maybe she'll swap blocks with my writer later, or will be able to share? Ooh, and my handylady/gardener blocks, love those too! And sometimes the kids are even allowed to play along with those.
So yeah, if you have anymore thoughts on the juggling and integrating, I'd love those ;)
Mommy definitely scares everyone else away! Hahahaha I just love how you get this—and so many readers get it! Makes me happy. The idea of vacations has come up a couple of times. I think this is super interesting and will think about it more.
As I’m out walking this morning this topic keeps returning to my head so I wanted to share one more thought…
Perhaps all of these identities are more integrated than we all believe but it’s natural for us to separate and label them as different. The writer is constantly gathering stories as mom. Mom is constantly hustling and pulling magic tricks like the entrepreneur…. and so on and so on.
Before I tell you I have no solutions, I have a question...why must you flit between these identifies in a day? Why give it a time frame? Maybe MOM is there for 5 days straight, but then Tired Lady shows up and you can honor her for an afternoon before Entrepreneur Chic appears for a fleeting second and sends a text....that might not be returned or addressed for another week. I understand that there are these natural diurnal cycles which require many different parts of us to show up, but what would it look like to extend beyond those constraints and give more room for your identities to appear in different time frames?
So...now I get to say, as I started that I have no real solutions. All I know is that in my experience, one really CAN'T care about more than one thing at once --- at least I can't. And that's okay. I think the more we recognize this in ourselves the more we can recognize it in one another and forgive, give grace to ourselves and others when they show up not as who we want, when we want them.
Oh how I wish writer me would be present here now when I have the time and space to write! Instead, I have Ms. Hummingbird Restless Legs that sends me flitting from one thing to the next (mostly to the kitchen to eat because then I can't physically be typing -- eating is a good excuse).
The best thing I've found is to to try to nurture each self as she appears and be fully her for whatever time I'm allowed with her. Rather than seeing it as me being FORCED to be one identity or the other, I find when I let go and sink into what appears, I can be more comfortable where I am....even if it's not exactly where I want to be. When I try to fight it or force it, it never works and only causes friction and pain. That's energy I can save for when the magic appears when my temporal/spatial/and identity paths align. AHHH...a moment of flow....
And then my phone rings because of f*cking Social Me. ;-)
Wishing you and everyone here peace and serenity with whoever is showing up here in this space tonight. <3
Mmm this is giving big "Everything Everywhere All At Once" energy. The idea that there really are multiple 'us's' that we COULD become if we follow a thread. And the fact that in reality a yes to anything is always a NO to literally everything else - and how mind blowing it is to consider all the different versions of us we could have become if we'd followed a different yes at any point in time.
It also lends itself to the idea that there isn't a cohesive "self" to any of us, rather a collection of incomplete "selves" that when put altogether create what we refer to as the "self". I often feel like there are many mini-me's inside (not Dr Evil style but you get it) with an "observer" who's really more the inner parent/ring leader trying to lead all those bits in a semi-cohesive direction.
And you're right - that cohesive direction is fucking hard because of all the lost potentials. It seems no matter what chosen there's always going to be a part that longs for something else. There's always going to be that 'ehat if' factor to life. And the challenge is to LET yourself choose a direction and to commit to it and dealing with the inevitable FOMO. Without letting that FOMO mean you have a million unfinished paths. Where nothing gets to be fully embodied or experienced because the other options are always looming or because we really are over committing.
The reality of limited time, energy and resource is a pretty crushing blow a lot of the time.
For me, I generally like to pet myself FULLY go there with all of my selves. Meaning when I get to that place where it feels like I'm living in a way that does feel too scattered and like I'm not really doing/living anything because I'm trying to do everything - I pause and follow each thread all the way through. I let myself dream the big dream of what it would be like to give each thread a full yes - and I get really serious in considering if the EFFORT of that path is actually worth the outcome for me. That's when I usually find the clarity on where I actually want to go. Not in the dream fulfilled pulling me, but in the reality of the path actually being a path I want to live. Then I see how many of the "worth it" paths I CAN string together and I consider how many paths can be done LATER - Knowing I DO have time for many paths - just not all at the same time.
Being human is so odd. To have all these parts - it makes you feel almost like free will isn't a thing and maybe we'll discover one day that we're actually just being controlled by various micro organisms or something.
But clarity comes when I consider effort vs. dream. That's when I usually know what yes is worth all the other no's.
I also love what Eva said - I also feel like I've had to let SO many versions of myself go. Just not having the time, energy, spoons or capacity. And that's always sad. Grieving the loss of my many selves as I choose the ones I CAN do - it's hard.
Hi Aliyah, yes, you’ve described well that constant process of saying yes to something, and, at the same time, saying no to many others. I love the idea of taking time to sit down and walk myself down the many potential paths to see which I’m most willing to invest in - in terms of effort and time.
This is my life! My answer is to do whatever I do with as much presence of the present moment as I can remember to give it. I know I’ll get to the other stuff/alternate personalities also. Doesn’t stop me from wishing I could clone myself though.
I thought it was only me! My daughter in law claims I have ADHD (I don't, she's only 30 what does she know! lol). Every day brings a different Betsy. I have learned to value the energy for whatever I am doing because I know tomorrow it may be somewhere else. I keep a bullet journal and I am now just starting a commonplace book, using index cards (my starting source was Ryan Holiday) to help me keep track of my many selves. I will say, it gets a lot easier once children are older. When my kids were toddlers- I was simply spinning- and everything worked out fine- I just didn't know it!
So cool following this conversation between you and Laurie! And now I've gone down a commonplace book rabbit hole myself and I feel my JOURNAL LADY self coming online!!!! Oh boy, here we goooo..........!
Betsy, one of the things I’m trying to get up and running, besides a coherent way of attending to all of the various selves, is a consistent and somewhat organized way to manage information. I’ve heard of Ryan Holiday’s commonplace book and the bullet journal. Do they each serve the same purpose? Are you finding them helpful?
After spending a week in this rabbit hole, i have taken away that there is no 1 thing. I have integrated several systems while trying to really keep it simple. I will still try out an app, but really question if it is too complicated for my needs or it may simply not serve me at this time but may do so later (Notion is an example). At the risk of boring you, this is what my work flow is (keeping in mind that I am at home and not in the work force, hence, less digital because my computer is not always fired up): Action items, and calendar items go into my Bullet Journal. I also use Google Calendar, but only for stuff i may need to access while traveling (flights, hotels etc, because I can direct link to that info from GC). EverNote is my digital file cabinet (Stacy Harmon is a great resource). I write random notes on notecards and a notebook that I carry with me. I also use a Sunday Basket (Lisa Woodruff of Organize 365) for physical papers (as in "hold this till I can process you). The key to everything is weekly review and migration! One thing about my system that works well is as long as I keep my Bullet Journal review and migration up to date- I don't miss anything- the other systems can survive a bit of neglect.
Betsy, This is so incredibly helpful! You’ve confirmed some hunches I had (“The key to everything is weekly review and migration”), given me some ideas to try out, and given me some resources! Thank you, thank you, thank you! I’ve been struggling with this for ages!
Ahhh this resonates. So much! I always feel like ‘writer sarah’ is on the back burner. I constantly say things like ‘I need a solid block (months) to get into my writing’ - routines and schedules work for a bit but then I think I’m not overly disciplined! I remember Liz Gilbert sharing advice she’d been given re ‘what are you willing to give up to do the thing you want to do’ - or something to that effect. So I have been tuning back into that advice and have chosen to give up watching a new series, for writing of a night. Well, that’s for this week anyway…who knows next week!
Im wondering if you could find a thread that binds these parts together could help shifting between them? If all of your selves align with your values, then perhaps it could cause less friction to go from one to the other?
Ive found that if my spiritual practice stays consistent, then most of my other selves remain calm enough to stay until called upon.
And the only trick that I have found for any adjustment to my life, practice, and a whole lot of grace. <3 With kindess,
“Ive found that if my spiritual practice stays consistent, then most of my other selves remain calm enough to stay until called upon.” Totally agree Rae!
Delightful! I love the idea of each of us being many. What an opportunity for inventures and exploration! This is also a fantastic writing prompt. We can name and describle each subpersonaliy. Then, they can join together to commiserate and accompany us on our journey.
Rowan you are consistently funny both on the pod and in writing. It is always a joy to hear or read your voice.
I have been pinned down by life. I have yearned to have a perfect life. I think we all have but some are better at hiding it.
I also remember my kiddo being a toddler, now a tween. The sheer volume of attention a tiny human absorbs is unbelievable. It was physically exhausting to be constantly touched and needed 24/7. Mothering an newborn to toddler is very similar to being a doctor, always on call. You are your role. But many of us do not wish to be consumed by only one role, mother.
Last year my practice group did a series of sessions on Jill Bolte Taylor’s(JBT) 4 Characters using Soul Collage(https://soulcollage.com). We created a collage of each one of our characters. We have been discussing IFS lately and I finished No Bad Parts a few months ago. It seems clear that there are a number of people/characters/parts/motivations in each of us. It is true for me.
They both agree that your parts/characters are trying to protect/help or achieve something that they believe is important to you. Most of us we given our goals, our judgement of success and ourselves very young.
Before Eckart Tolle, I thought I was my thoughts. Before JBT I thought I was my left thinking brain and I was a failure when the rest of me wouldn’t follow my very strict regime. IFS has just deepened how correct this ancient and yet new outlook of self.
My # 1, left brain thinking, is Nancy. Nancy loves a spreadsheet, better yet a graph generated from a pivot table. Nancy ruled my life and ganged up with Alexander, #2, left brain feeling. The greatest hits of what my friend calls “not enoughies” and for me plenty of self hate and shame too boot.
They were our best judgment at the time, but it isn’t 1985 and I am not 13. Or 1975 and be given a phobia about pigs as a joke by my grandfather when I was 4. Pigs don’t eat little girls, but I had a small panic attack when there would be one at the petting zoo w my son. Also I didn’t die because the neighbor boy didn’t like me, but it did impact my relationships in my 20’s. They can be right about the past but you can update the programming.
Your selves sound fun. I even would like Social Girl if I can help plan the events but don’t have to go. Is it a big problem if you jump from self to self? Perhaps the bug is a feature when you remove expectations.
My son slept on the couch from 2 to 3, he refused the toddler bed. Culture in the form of my mom was not thrilled, but the three of us slept. He is student of the month in his junior high, he is ok. Was it a problem for me? No, as long as I chose it not to be. It was messy and weird but worked. Was it a problem for my mom? Yes, but she lived in another state.
I have found that once you identify your parts and start talking to them, they want to help. They were helping in their immature and or traumatized way. My unhelpful thought were just neglected and out of date. Many not even my own thoughts but the ones culture placed upon me. I have found if you talk and mother them that they will work for you.
To my delight, Nancy#1 loves organizing my cabinets. Olive, #3 the creative, was kitchen person. Once I realized I could help set the agenda and took the time to explain to them why it was important then they were all on board. When I get it right, things become easy in a what that I could never orchestrate. They also started telling me what they want and It has made my life more joyful.
I am still figuring it out but each step makes my life a bit more peaceful.
I think my biggest hack I have discovered comes from Martha’s Joy Diet, 15 minutes of doing nothing everyday. I have added morning pages and then nothing on my porch. It right sizes the day and brings a sense of peace and intention to each day. Occasionally it brings magic in the form of ideas or poems and sometimes magic.
Hi Tracy, Reading this makes me eager to read Whole Brain Living by JBT. I love the idea of having a conversation with all of the parts in which we discuss the importance of having some structure and then letting each of them do their thing.
Hi Laurie! For me at least was such a freedom to discover that my dysfunction was simply a misunderstanding of how our brains work. Once I was friendly with them, listened and included them, they were eager to start helping me.
I definitely recommend the book and there are a number JBT interviews on YouTube too. Let know how it goes and your parts names.
Appreciate the clarity on what I've been feeling but not expressing well to the person I've lived with for 30 years who identifies as male and seems more able to focus and just ignore the things he doesn't think are important. All of the things are important to me. Like the brunch and the lunch and the writing and the spiritual life and the sleep. .
Obsessed with this post, never felt so seen & heard by a stranger. I have hella mutable & fixed energy in my chart (🥴), esp my Gemini Rising brain, so there’s no shortage of selves to experience (I call them entities), but they don’t always take over shifts seamlessly/know when to clock tf out or in. Still working on it! Tysm for sharing, Ro 🙏🏽
Sending you so much love for this new phase of your life Amy. I love that you embrace ALL of your emotional parts. Bringing them all forward with you as you move into this new chapter. I think you've figured out a lot more than you're giving yourself credit for <3
Amy I have occasion to need home health. I would have considered it a blessed day to have you. Not that my HHN’s weren’t wonderful people but you can help the body and the soul. What important work you do.
I really want to have a neat response to this. The truth is, at this point of life I've had to ask a few identities to take a long vacation - the really demanding ones that took lots and lots of time and focus (creative and social) and focus on the ones that are more focused on survival (Mum, spiritual, income earner). I trust that the ones on holiday will come back refreshed and eager when the time is right, but I might have to reinvite them gently. Really all the parts just want you to be well, so knowing what I need to cope helps me work out where to focus my energy.
This is so brilliant, Eva! I think this is right, and the parts that keep humans alive and keeping money coming do have a way of crowding other parts out. I love that you manage to keep your spiritual life up there with these. Sustenance and oxygen—this is what spirit is too. Sending so much love to you and the family right now xoxoxo
Thanks Ro xx I also have been thinking about this and realise I don't really send the creator and social one away as such, I just give them little fun jobs to do. Like those over enthusiastic kids in the class who tend to take over. Here's a 30 second voice memo to sing into. Here's a haiku to write. Here's a work task you can spice up. I just try to keep them away from really big big projects and stages for a while cause they can get real diva then and override the balance of the whole ecosystem.
This is so brilliant. x
Great way to feed your less used parts! Does it your day better when you engage them?
Story. Of. My. Flippin.’ Life!!!! I love this piece. You describe this struggle aptly and with such humor.!
I can’t tell you how many different strategies I’ve tried. There was a time when I’d make elaborate graphs and diagrams of how I’d be evenly dividing up my time from this moment hence. Only problem was that “Flow-With-The-Moment” didn’t give a rat’s ass what “If-You-Just-Make-a-Plan” had in mind for her!
I left my job recently, so I’ve got some time on my hands. Priority #1 is figuring out how to move through my days and weeks in this more integrated way. I’m talking experiments, ruthlessly weeding out extraneous activities that distract me from this endeavor, and making note of what works and doesn’t.
Good luck in your own integration endeavor! I look forward to hearing more!
Hahaha! YES, I know those two ratbags too!
Integration, integration. Such a huge word. Such an aspiration. xx
Haha, I love your writing :)
And it is so completely familiar! Way too many selves to juggle through the days, weeks, years.. ;)
For now my best method is having time blocks for each self. I have my mommy blocks (automatic default when around my kids, they scare the others away..), my writer blocks (no, not those type of blocks luckily!), my spiritual self blocks, and my entrepeneur blocks. Luckily, the last one gets to have a vacation now while the others are playing, because I couldn't manage them all.. Maybe she'll swap blocks with my writer later, or will be able to share? Ooh, and my handylady/gardener blocks, love those too! And sometimes the kids are even allowed to play along with those.
So yeah, if you have anymore thoughts on the juggling and integrating, I'd love those ;)
Mommy definitely scares everyone else away! Hahahaha I just love how you get this—and so many readers get it! Makes me happy. The idea of vacations has come up a couple of times. I think this is super interesting and will think about it more.
xoxoxoxo
As I’m out walking this morning this topic keeps returning to my head so I wanted to share one more thought…
Perhaps all of these identities are more integrated than we all believe but it’s natural for us to separate and label them as different. The writer is constantly gathering stories as mom. Mom is constantly hustling and pulling magic tricks like the entrepreneur…. and so on and so on.
F*cking social me.
So relate to this.
Before I tell you I have no solutions, I have a question...why must you flit between these identifies in a day? Why give it a time frame? Maybe MOM is there for 5 days straight, but then Tired Lady shows up and you can honor her for an afternoon before Entrepreneur Chic appears for a fleeting second and sends a text....that might not be returned or addressed for another week. I understand that there are these natural diurnal cycles which require many different parts of us to show up, but what would it look like to extend beyond those constraints and give more room for your identities to appear in different time frames?
So...now I get to say, as I started that I have no real solutions. All I know is that in my experience, one really CAN'T care about more than one thing at once --- at least I can't. And that's okay. I think the more we recognize this in ourselves the more we can recognize it in one another and forgive, give grace to ourselves and others when they show up not as who we want, when we want them.
Oh how I wish writer me would be present here now when I have the time and space to write! Instead, I have Ms. Hummingbird Restless Legs that sends me flitting from one thing to the next (mostly to the kitchen to eat because then I can't physically be typing -- eating is a good excuse).
The best thing I've found is to to try to nurture each self as she appears and be fully her for whatever time I'm allowed with her. Rather than seeing it as me being FORCED to be one identity or the other, I find when I let go and sink into what appears, I can be more comfortable where I am....even if it's not exactly where I want to be. When I try to fight it or force it, it never works and only causes friction and pain. That's energy I can save for when the magic appears when my temporal/spatial/and identity paths align. AHHH...a moment of flow....
And then my phone rings because of f*cking Social Me. ;-)
Wishing you and everyone here peace and serenity with whoever is showing up here in this space tonight. <3
Love the idea of nurturing whoever shows up. This is genius. I'm going to practice this. Thanks Becc! xoxoxoxo
Mmm this is giving big "Everything Everywhere All At Once" energy. The idea that there really are multiple 'us's' that we COULD become if we follow a thread. And the fact that in reality a yes to anything is always a NO to literally everything else - and how mind blowing it is to consider all the different versions of us we could have become if we'd followed a different yes at any point in time.
It also lends itself to the idea that there isn't a cohesive "self" to any of us, rather a collection of incomplete "selves" that when put altogether create what we refer to as the "self". I often feel like there are many mini-me's inside (not Dr Evil style but you get it) with an "observer" who's really more the inner parent/ring leader trying to lead all those bits in a semi-cohesive direction.
And you're right - that cohesive direction is fucking hard because of all the lost potentials. It seems no matter what chosen there's always going to be a part that longs for something else. There's always going to be that 'ehat if' factor to life. And the challenge is to LET yourself choose a direction and to commit to it and dealing with the inevitable FOMO. Without letting that FOMO mean you have a million unfinished paths. Where nothing gets to be fully embodied or experienced because the other options are always looming or because we really are over committing.
The reality of limited time, energy and resource is a pretty crushing blow a lot of the time.
For me, I generally like to pet myself FULLY go there with all of my selves. Meaning when I get to that place where it feels like I'm living in a way that does feel too scattered and like I'm not really doing/living anything because I'm trying to do everything - I pause and follow each thread all the way through. I let myself dream the big dream of what it would be like to give each thread a full yes - and I get really serious in considering if the EFFORT of that path is actually worth the outcome for me. That's when I usually find the clarity on where I actually want to go. Not in the dream fulfilled pulling me, but in the reality of the path actually being a path I want to live. Then I see how many of the "worth it" paths I CAN string together and I consider how many paths can be done LATER - Knowing I DO have time for many paths - just not all at the same time.
Being human is so odd. To have all these parts - it makes you feel almost like free will isn't a thing and maybe we'll discover one day that we're actually just being controlled by various micro organisms or something.
But clarity comes when I consider effort vs. dream. That's when I usually know what yes is worth all the other no's.
I also love what Eva said - I also feel like I've had to let SO many versions of myself go. Just not having the time, energy, spoons or capacity. And that's always sad. Grieving the loss of my many selves as I choose the ones I CAN do - it's hard.
Letting go. Holy shit. It's huge. xoxoxox
Hi Aliyah, yes, you’ve described well that constant process of saying yes to something, and, at the same time, saying no to many others. I love the idea of taking time to sit down and walk myself down the many potential paths to see which I’m most willing to invest in - in terms of effort and time.
This is my life! My answer is to do whatever I do with as much presence of the present moment as I can remember to give it. I know I’ll get to the other stuff/alternate personalities also. Doesn’t stop me from wishing I could clone myself though.
I thought it was only me! My daughter in law claims I have ADHD (I don't, she's only 30 what does she know! lol). Every day brings a different Betsy. I have learned to value the energy for whatever I am doing because I know tomorrow it may be somewhere else. I keep a bullet journal and I am now just starting a commonplace book, using index cards (my starting source was Ryan Holiday) to help me keep track of my many selves. I will say, it gets a lot easier once children are older. When my kids were toddlers- I was simply spinning- and everything worked out fine- I just didn't know it!
So cool following this conversation between you and Laurie! And now I've gone down a commonplace book rabbit hole myself and I feel my JOURNAL LADY self coming online!!!! Oh boy, here we goooo..........!
😊😊😊
Betsy, one of the things I’m trying to get up and running, besides a coherent way of attending to all of the various selves, is a consistent and somewhat organized way to manage information. I’ve heard of Ryan Holiday’s commonplace book and the bullet journal. Do they each serve the same purpose? Are you finding them helpful?
After spending a week in this rabbit hole, i have taken away that there is no 1 thing. I have integrated several systems while trying to really keep it simple. I will still try out an app, but really question if it is too complicated for my needs or it may simply not serve me at this time but may do so later (Notion is an example). At the risk of boring you, this is what my work flow is (keeping in mind that I am at home and not in the work force, hence, less digital because my computer is not always fired up): Action items, and calendar items go into my Bullet Journal. I also use Google Calendar, but only for stuff i may need to access while traveling (flights, hotels etc, because I can direct link to that info from GC). EverNote is my digital file cabinet (Stacy Harmon is a great resource). I write random notes on notecards and a notebook that I carry with me. I also use a Sunday Basket (Lisa Woodruff of Organize 365) for physical papers (as in "hold this till I can process you). The key to everything is weekly review and migration! One thing about my system that works well is as long as I keep my Bullet Journal review and migration up to date- I don't miss anything- the other systems can survive a bit of neglect.
Betsy, This is so incredibly helpful! You’ve confirmed some hunches I had (“The key to everything is weekly review and migration”), given me some ideas to try out, and given me some resources! Thank you, thank you, thank you! I’ve been struggling with this for ages!
Ahhh this resonates. So much! I always feel like ‘writer sarah’ is on the back burner. I constantly say things like ‘I need a solid block (months) to get into my writing’ - routines and schedules work for a bit but then I think I’m not overly disciplined! I remember Liz Gilbert sharing advice she’d been given re ‘what are you willing to give up to do the thing you want to do’ - or something to that effect. So I have been tuning back into that advice and have chosen to give up watching a new series, for writing of a night. Well, that’s for this week anyway…who knows next week!
I haven't! But life was kind enough to do it for me. Burnout. Will let everyone know once I do 😅♥️
Oof, I know that one too! Be kind to yourself, and yeah, let us know when you solve it!
The fact that you can even identify these selves is a huge start! Have you done a exercise to find out your top 3 values, per Brene Brown Value exercise - https://brenebrown.com/resources/dare-to-lead-list-of-values/
Im wondering if you could find a thread that binds these parts together could help shifting between them? If all of your selves align with your values, then perhaps it could cause less friction to go from one to the other?
Ive found that if my spiritual practice stays consistent, then most of my other selves remain calm enough to stay until called upon.
And the only trick that I have found for any adjustment to my life, practice, and a whole lot of grace. <3 With kindess,
Rae
“Ive found that if my spiritual practice stays consistent, then most of my other selves remain calm enough to stay until called upon.” Totally agree Rae!
Delightful! I love the idea of each of us being many. What an opportunity for inventures and exploration! This is also a fantastic writing prompt. We can name and describle each subpersonaliy. Then, they can join together to commiserate and accompany us on our journey.
Rowan you are consistently funny both on the pod and in writing. It is always a joy to hear or read your voice.
I have been pinned down by life. I have yearned to have a perfect life. I think we all have but some are better at hiding it.
I also remember my kiddo being a toddler, now a tween. The sheer volume of attention a tiny human absorbs is unbelievable. It was physically exhausting to be constantly touched and needed 24/7. Mothering an newborn to toddler is very similar to being a doctor, always on call. You are your role. But many of us do not wish to be consumed by only one role, mother.
Last year my practice group did a series of sessions on Jill Bolte Taylor’s(JBT) 4 Characters using Soul Collage(https://soulcollage.com). We created a collage of each one of our characters. We have been discussing IFS lately and I finished No Bad Parts a few months ago. It seems clear that there are a number of people/characters/parts/motivations in each of us. It is true for me.
They both agree that your parts/characters are trying to protect/help or achieve something that they believe is important to you. Most of us we given our goals, our judgement of success and ourselves very young.
Before Eckart Tolle, I thought I was my thoughts. Before JBT I thought I was my left thinking brain and I was a failure when the rest of me wouldn’t follow my very strict regime. IFS has just deepened how correct this ancient and yet new outlook of self.
My # 1, left brain thinking, is Nancy. Nancy loves a spreadsheet, better yet a graph generated from a pivot table. Nancy ruled my life and ganged up with Alexander, #2, left brain feeling. The greatest hits of what my friend calls “not enoughies” and for me plenty of self hate and shame too boot.
They were our best judgment at the time, but it isn’t 1985 and I am not 13. Or 1975 and be given a phobia about pigs as a joke by my grandfather when I was 4. Pigs don’t eat little girls, but I had a small panic attack when there would be one at the petting zoo w my son. Also I didn’t die because the neighbor boy didn’t like me, but it did impact my relationships in my 20’s. They can be right about the past but you can update the programming.
Your selves sound fun. I even would like Social Girl if I can help plan the events but don’t have to go. Is it a big problem if you jump from self to self? Perhaps the bug is a feature when you remove expectations.
My son slept on the couch from 2 to 3, he refused the toddler bed. Culture in the form of my mom was not thrilled, but the three of us slept. He is student of the month in his junior high, he is ok. Was it a problem for me? No, as long as I chose it not to be. It was messy and weird but worked. Was it a problem for my mom? Yes, but she lived in another state.
I have found that once you identify your parts and start talking to them, they want to help. They were helping in their immature and or traumatized way. My unhelpful thought were just neglected and out of date. Many not even my own thoughts but the ones culture placed upon me. I have found if you talk and mother them that they will work for you.
To my delight, Nancy#1 loves organizing my cabinets. Olive, #3 the creative, was kitchen person. Once I realized I could help set the agenda and took the time to explain to them why it was important then they were all on board. When I get it right, things become easy in a what that I could never orchestrate. They also started telling me what they want and It has made my life more joyful.
I am still figuring it out but each step makes my life a bit more peaceful.
I think my biggest hack I have discovered comes from Martha’s Joy Diet, 15 minutes of doing nothing everyday. I have added morning pages and then nothing on my porch. It right sizes the day and brings a sense of peace and intention to each day. Occasionally it brings magic in the form of ideas or poems and sometimes magic.
Hi Tracy, Reading this makes me eager to read Whole Brain Living by JBT. I love the idea of having a conversation with all of the parts in which we discuss the importance of having some structure and then letting each of them do their thing.
Hi Laurie! For me at least was such a freedom to discover that my dysfunction was simply a misunderstanding of how our brains work. Once I was friendly with them, listened and included them, they were eager to start helping me.
I definitely recommend the book and there are a number JBT interviews on YouTube too. Let know how it goes and your parts names.
Appreciate the clarity on what I've been feeling but not expressing well to the person I've lived with for 30 years who identifies as male and seems more able to focus and just ignore the things he doesn't think are important. All of the things are important to me. Like the brunch and the lunch and the writing and the spiritual life and the sleep. .
Obsessed with this post, never felt so seen & heard by a stranger. I have hella mutable & fixed energy in my chart (🥴), esp my Gemini Rising brain, so there’s no shortage of selves to experience (I call them entities), but they don’t always take over shifts seamlessly/know when to clock tf out or in. Still working on it! Tysm for sharing, Ro 🙏🏽
Also the word ‘Inventure’???? Brilliant. *chef’s kiss* 🤌🏽
This is awesome. Good luck with the new start! We're all here with you, along with all the Amys. xoxoxo
Sending you so much love for this new phase of your life Amy. I love that you embrace ALL of your emotional parts. Bringing them all forward with you as you move into this new chapter. I think you've figured out a lot more than you're giving yourself credit for <3
Amy I have occasion to need home health. I would have considered it a blessed day to have you. Not that my HHN’s weren’t wonderful people but you can help the body and the soul. What important work you do.