Crank up the volume on these, please. Even with headphones, my ex-punk rock singing (yelling) self missed half of what you said. Although I loved what I heard!
THIS is what I needed. Permission. I get that sickened feeling in the inside. The “I’m not doing enough of the things.” The “Oh fuck. My creative juices are gone and I’ll never get them back” kind of nausea. I have soooo much on my shoulders right now. Thank you for the permission to give myself a fucking break.
Thank you for the hard core kindness you showed yourself by cutting yourself a fucking break! And thank you for the honest vulnerability in sharing. A lot of people think that creatives are just that - creative ALL THE TIME. Turning it off and on isn't so easy and can be frightfully agonizing when it IS difficult and the on button just doesn't work.
I personally have been struggling for what seems like years to feel creativity flow back into my life. I have lots of ideas, but the execution is the issue. I am exhausted to the point of thinking that a nice coma would be a restorative vacation.
I am in a job that doesn't fulfill me and by the time I get home in the evening my batteries are dead and my own projects get shelved.
I know that one of the reasons for my exhaustion is living out of alignment with my integrity and my nature. However, what to do when you depend on that draining job to pay the bills??
It's a conundrum that I am trying to solve.
I am on the threshold of my 49th birthday and I would like to plan on my new year to be a better and more honest version of me. I am definitely tired of being tired and would like to be able to actually create again. It's a catch 22 that I have GOT to figure out this year!
I know exactly what you mean about the job and the exhaustion. This is pretty woo, but I kind of believe in signaling to the universe that you're ready to be shown the next direction so that the bills get paid and your creativity gets to play. If nothing else, it directs your own attention to different possibilities. Big hugs in the meantime. Keep cooking delicious food! 💚
Girl... I KNOW! The universe is screaming at me (exhaustion and lots of chronic body pain). I just can't figure out WHAT to do. :) My head is a maelstrom of weasels. Too many ideas that are just vague thoughts. I have bullet points of what's in my wheelhouse of happy and what matters to me, but I haven't been able to connect the dots yet. The Wayfinder course would be a dream (though I think I NEED a wayfinder - not sure I am one), and saving up $ for it is a goal, but life currently has made other plans. I can often look at series of unfortunate events and think, 'ain't that just a kick in the head.' I am trying to cut myself a break as well and trying to get REAL still. I'm waiting for nudges in the right directions, but how do I know that I won't spend years sitting? Hmmm... I have images in my head of the monk that self mummified and was plastered up in a statue of the Buddha. Is THIS what I am supposed to do?? That could happen, or my cats will eat me because I haven't gotten up to feed them.
:D
Thanks again for your words and humor. They always are a bright spot.
Calm is a super power, and hearing the universe whisper is a greater one.
All this! Always nice to know you aren't alone. I've been feeling deflated in my work (self employed, mum of a very lively five year old and partner to a lovely man who works very hard too) for the past 2 years and vascilating between changing careers or finding ways to make my work exciting again. Still stuck, but feels better knowing so many others feel the same when adrift in the sea of bubbly social media posts broadcasting the general state of glossy perfection that I perceive everyone else to be enjoying :D
Oh my goodness if this isn't the mist relatable thing.
When I first become CEO/COO/CFO (aha, you get the point), the feeling of needing to be productive and creative all the time was really overwhelming - but also felt so imperative that finding a boundary was really hard. As you stated - going to a job where you don't have to be the vision creator, holder, strategist, executor, editor and publisher, where you can simply do your 'cog in the wheel' role and be done with it (and have a paycheck) - it takes on a whole new level of enticing. What we once felt was a kind of drudgery can almost feel like a freedom when we carry the weight of 100% responsibility for what we do.
Also, when we tie our income to our creativity, and that creativity needs to be 'liked' and validated to a certain extent not only for our survival but also for our self esteem (because let's not kid ourselves, no matter how much self love we develop we're never going to reach that ultimate 'I don't give a shit what others think this is just my thing and I love me!' place) it adds a whole new layer of complexity. Negotiating that break with all the parts of self that are being activated in this kind of career is no joke. Not to mention the fact that you have a whole LIFE outside of work that ALSO takes up bandwidth.
Giving ourselves a break, a fucking break, when we realize just how much we're carrying being content creators that create from a place of personal expression for income - I don't know that there's anything more challenging in terms of vocation.
Thank you for this reminder and for this example. I'm still learning this, 8 years on. Then there's the flip side, when you get writers flood and you can't turn it off and thus peeing becomes something you have to negotiate with whatever is pouring through you - it's like a never ending plate spinning circus act.
I've been using these last two years to slow down myself. To create what NEEDS to be made but not pushing past that - and it's been a test of my faith I tell you what. But so far, so good. Everyone still has all their limbs and that's something to always be grateful for ;)
Utterly LOVE the pure, relateable honesty and authenticity of this, Ro! Thank you for allowing yourself, and now Us, permission to give ourselves a fucking break! 🔥🥰
Thanks Laura! We shouldn't need to be given permission, and yet the culture builds itself around us in such a way that it doesn't even occur to us sometimes that we can just opt out. 💚
I had a similar issue yesterday but it was a disappointment in the shape of others instead of my own stuckness which happens as well. After some hardcore hustle I got out of the weeds. Then I luxuriated in my disappointment. I binge watched Atlas of the Heart and made a bowl of pasta with roasted mushrooms and tomatoes and my favorite blanket.
It takes a leap of faith that leaning into discomfort is the fastest way out, but so far it is working.
Atlas of the Heart esp the show where she provided movie clips was a gift of precision. The concept of near enemy blew me away. The far enemy of compassion is cruelty but the near enemy is pity🤯. Most of us aren’t cartoon villains it isn’t far enemy we should be looking for but near ones. Another one that slayed me was that perfectionism is a function of shame.
Recently I had to tell myself to give me an f'ing break because I'm so disappointed and critical when my meditation practice goes south. It's insane. I will take myself to the woodshed over not living up to my self-created standards of peacefulness! Ultimately, I had to laugh. Also, I agree with the earlier comment about wanting the mushroom sauce recipe. :)
Hi Pam! 🤗 On a recent episode of Bewildered (can't remember if it's out yet or not) I was remembering a meditation app where you can compete with your friends to see who is meditating the most. 😂 When the culture gets into even our meditation practices we can see its real power. I'm so glad you could laugh at it! x
Yes, we all get to this point sometimes, and you’re right, fighting it or trying to push through is, at best, a frustrating, and at worst a soul-sucking endeavor. I find that walking or just being in nature, leaving my active brain at the door, and just experiencing the sights and sounds, works best for me, (a sort of walking meditation).
I am ALL IN on the self-cutting-yourself-a-fucking-break. Needed this. May tattoo the whole business somewhere prominent. Belly but backwards so I can do I quick review while I brush? Gonna workshop the idea. THANK YOU SO HAPPY YOU ARE HERE.
Totally Ro, this is absolutely the way and you make this space even more wonderful by modelling that and reassuring us you'll give when you're full and rest when you're not. It's also good to know you're not a robot. 😉 Unless of course you are deep deep cover and the mission is to get the humans all chilled out and peaceful before the takeover to avoid all that sci-fi conflict cliche? In which case I look forward to the Gracious Badger robot uprising.
Okay, the Gracious Badger robot uprising is a genuinely chilling idea that I'm pretty sure will give me nightmares. Nah, I'm way too much of a squishy sleepy mess to make a convincing android. 🤪
My creativity was my outlet for years, my way of checking out of the present while I worked, while I was a caregiver for my husband, while I watched him slowly die.
And now that I have nothing else pulling at me, nowhere I have to be, nowhere I have to go, and I can paint all day if I like, create, write a new book... I often can't find the energy, the spark, the drive that used to have my fingers flying over the keys, the paintbrush sailing over tiny rocks and other projects.
I'm often feeling empty.
So I recently learned to cut myself slack, and just sit with the emptiness. Just stare out at the garden, listen to audiobooks while doing absolutely nothing with my hands.
And it's okay. I'm okay.
I've given myself permission to just be, and slowly, I'm beginning to create again. And even when I'm not feeling creative, I can go to bed at night satisfied by whatever way I've spent my day, be it creating, or just being.
I hope you too find comfort in just being, and thank you for this post which let me open up and share my journey. <3 Love to you and Marty.
Wow, Kathryn. I think it's such an excellent point that creativity can also be escapism. And when it's no longer time to escape it might go away for a while out of compassion. Sending so much love for all you've been through. And bravo for the stillness, which must have been difficult at the beginning. 💚
Such a huge point. It was the medicine that got me through some really hard times too - and then it did sort of become a monster of coping for a bit. Such an interesting thing to navigate.
Love this. Seasons. Who knows what will be birthed from this time where you let yourself rest and renew? What new inspirations could be waiting on the other side <3
This timing is beyond perfect. I’ve got a writing deadline on April 11–the same date the moving truck comes. I’m feeling drained by packing and good-byes after 23 years in this amazing home. But yes, I am giving myself all of the breaks. I had a 2 hour massage and Reiki treatment yesterday and the message that came through? “Level up.” Stepping right into a new adventure of life and I’m so excited! I’ll meet my writing deadline, the house will get packed, and I’ll make some amazing experiences along the way. Thanks for the reminder right this minute to not get stuck in the muck. (I think “level up” literally came right from the Write Into Light prompt when I created a video game character. 2019 WIL alum and can’t thank you and the team enough for that class!)
I do your beautiful life partner’s allow meditation daily. It helps. I hope your juju doesn’t stay away long. It’s perhaps waiting for you in the forest and will return on a walk with your lil one 🥰
What I’m learning about meditation is that it can look like so many different things. My cooking yesterday was definitely a form of meditation for me, and I’m sure it helped bring back the juju! 😊
🤞and the incredible bonus is you created a recipe and sustenance for your family (unless you ate it solo) all at the same time. Look at how fricken amazing you are. Now go give yourself an extended fkg break. I plan to do the same. Thanks for the community offering to join. I think I belong on this spaceship 🚀
I imagined you would, share the food, but did not would not judge you if you didn’t thanks to many hours/years of meditating and shedding cultural shackles. I do the S/A meditation while the national anthem is playing everyday (I work in schools)...shhh 🤫 don’t tell anyone...I’ll get kicked out of the herd.
As for the spaceship part, I keep imagining us on a rocket but going down and in vs out and up, kinda like on the children’s television series The Magic School Bus - you’re driving btw with better hair, a much cooler accent and a way less annoying voice 😂 I am thrilled to be here. This experience is taking a perpetual line in my gratitude journal. Off we go! 🚀 (damn it, they need to make an emoji that points down)
I love this timing- I had Alexa play the theme song for the show Gimme A Break for my momma last night! We played it through a few times singing loud enough to make the dog tilt her lil Pomeranian head.
Thank you for sharing this because I get SO down on myself for not producing creatively. When you feel it’s your purpose in life, it gets messy inside.
If it makes you feel better, I never know what day it is- I mean for real. I only know it’s Saturday because beau is in the living room reading the paper. So as a listener and a reader it’s always a delightful surprise when you pop in!
I also now have a desire to rewatch the sopranos. Tony Soprano (minus the really bad stuff) reminds me so much of my Daddio. It’s been several years now since my Dad made his too early transition. I think it’s time.
Thank you.
P.S. I can’t help but wonder, will we be getting some recipes in this newsletter…That mushroom steak sauce recipe is making me hungry and it’s barely after 9am.
Of course, do not add that to any list. It’s only if the muse fills you!
Crank up the volume on these, please. Even with headphones, my ex-punk rock singing (yelling) self missed half of what you said. Although I loved what I heard!
Will do! Thanks!
THIS is what I needed. Permission. I get that sickened feeling in the inside. The “I’m not doing enough of the things.” The “Oh fuck. My creative juices are gone and I’ll never get them back” kind of nausea. I have soooo much on my shoulders right now. Thank you for the permission to give myself a fucking break.
DO IT. Be kind. This is how we bring down the patriarchy. 💚
Thank you for the hard core kindness you showed yourself by cutting yourself a fucking break! And thank you for the honest vulnerability in sharing. A lot of people think that creatives are just that - creative ALL THE TIME. Turning it off and on isn't so easy and can be frightfully agonizing when it IS difficult and the on button just doesn't work.
I personally have been struggling for what seems like years to feel creativity flow back into my life. I have lots of ideas, but the execution is the issue. I am exhausted to the point of thinking that a nice coma would be a restorative vacation.
I am in a job that doesn't fulfill me and by the time I get home in the evening my batteries are dead and my own projects get shelved.
I know that one of the reasons for my exhaustion is living out of alignment with my integrity and my nature. However, what to do when you depend on that draining job to pay the bills??
It's a conundrum that I am trying to solve.
I am on the threshold of my 49th birthday and I would like to plan on my new year to be a better and more honest version of me. I am definitely tired of being tired and would like to be able to actually create again. It's a catch 22 that I have GOT to figure out this year!
Thank you Rowan :)
Cooking always makes me feel better too!
I know exactly what you mean about the job and the exhaustion. This is pretty woo, but I kind of believe in signaling to the universe that you're ready to be shown the next direction so that the bills get paid and your creativity gets to play. If nothing else, it directs your own attention to different possibilities. Big hugs in the meantime. Keep cooking delicious food! 💚
Girl... I KNOW! The universe is screaming at me (exhaustion and lots of chronic body pain). I just can't figure out WHAT to do. :) My head is a maelstrom of weasels. Too many ideas that are just vague thoughts. I have bullet points of what's in my wheelhouse of happy and what matters to me, but I haven't been able to connect the dots yet. The Wayfinder course would be a dream (though I think I NEED a wayfinder - not sure I am one), and saving up $ for it is a goal, but life currently has made other plans. I can often look at series of unfortunate events and think, 'ain't that just a kick in the head.' I am trying to cut myself a break as well and trying to get REAL still. I'm waiting for nudges in the right directions, but how do I know that I won't spend years sitting? Hmmm... I have images in my head of the monk that self mummified and was plastered up in a statue of the Buddha. Is THIS what I am supposed to do?? That could happen, or my cats will eat me because I haven't gotten up to feed them.
:D
Thanks again for your words and humor. They always are a bright spot.
Calm is a super power, and hearing the universe whisper is a greater one.
All this! Always nice to know you aren't alone. I've been feeling deflated in my work (self employed, mum of a very lively five year old and partner to a lovely man who works very hard too) for the past 2 years and vascilating between changing careers or finding ways to make my work exciting again. Still stuck, but feels better knowing so many others feel the same when adrift in the sea of bubbly social media posts broadcasting the general state of glossy perfection that I perceive everyone else to be enjoying :D
Oh my goodness if this isn't the mist relatable thing.
When I first become CEO/COO/CFO (aha, you get the point), the feeling of needing to be productive and creative all the time was really overwhelming - but also felt so imperative that finding a boundary was really hard. As you stated - going to a job where you don't have to be the vision creator, holder, strategist, executor, editor and publisher, where you can simply do your 'cog in the wheel' role and be done with it (and have a paycheck) - it takes on a whole new level of enticing. What we once felt was a kind of drudgery can almost feel like a freedom when we carry the weight of 100% responsibility for what we do.
Also, when we tie our income to our creativity, and that creativity needs to be 'liked' and validated to a certain extent not only for our survival but also for our self esteem (because let's not kid ourselves, no matter how much self love we develop we're never going to reach that ultimate 'I don't give a shit what others think this is just my thing and I love me!' place) it adds a whole new layer of complexity. Negotiating that break with all the parts of self that are being activated in this kind of career is no joke. Not to mention the fact that you have a whole LIFE outside of work that ALSO takes up bandwidth.
Giving ourselves a break, a fucking break, when we realize just how much we're carrying being content creators that create from a place of personal expression for income - I don't know that there's anything more challenging in terms of vocation.
Thank you for this reminder and for this example. I'm still learning this, 8 years on. Then there's the flip side, when you get writers flood and you can't turn it off and thus peeing becomes something you have to negotiate with whatever is pouring through you - it's like a never ending plate spinning circus act.
I've been using these last two years to slow down myself. To create what NEEDS to be made but not pushing past that - and it's been a test of my faith I tell you what. But so far, so good. Everyone still has all their limbs and that's something to always be grateful for ;)
This is OH SO WELL Expressed!!
I bow to You, Aliyah!
Ahaha thank you for reading! <3
I was drawn to! Your beautirful description of the Creative’s Dilemma really ‘Hits’! (as my teenagers would say ;-) )
Ahaha, that's 'lit' - right?! Is that what the kids would say?
😂😂yes that too! Next time I will proof read! before I hit ‘Post’.
I'm starting a daily gratitude practice for limbs. <3
Utterly LOVE the pure, relateable honesty and authenticity of this, Ro! Thank you for allowing yourself, and now Us, permission to give ourselves a fucking break! 🔥🥰
Thanks Laura! We shouldn't need to be given permission, and yet the culture builds itself around us in such a way that it doesn't even occur to us sometimes that we can just opt out. 💚
I had a V-8 moment with that one! It’s TRUE! We shouldn’t need permission! How deeply the cultural groove is carved…..
I had a similar issue yesterday but it was a disappointment in the shape of others instead of my own stuckness which happens as well. After some hardcore hustle I got out of the weeds. Then I luxuriated in my disappointment. I binge watched Atlas of the Heart and made a bowl of pasta with roasted mushrooms and tomatoes and my favorite blanket.
It takes a leap of faith that leaning into discomfort is the fastest way out, but so far it is working.
It sounds like you did exactly the right thing. Mmm pasta. How is Atlas of the Heart?
Carbs and snuggles are powerful medicine.
Atlas of the Heart esp the show where she provided movie clips was a gift of precision. The concept of near enemy blew me away. The far enemy of compassion is cruelty but the near enemy is pity🤯. Most of us aren’t cartoon villains it isn’t far enemy we should be looking for but near ones. Another one that slayed me was that perfectionism is a function of shame.
Recently I had to tell myself to give me an f'ing break because I'm so disappointed and critical when my meditation practice goes south. It's insane. I will take myself to the woodshed over not living up to my self-created standards of peacefulness! Ultimately, I had to laugh. Also, I agree with the earlier comment about wanting the mushroom sauce recipe. :)
Hi Pam! 🤗 On a recent episode of Bewildered (can't remember if it's out yet or not) I was remembering a meditation app where you can compete with your friends to see who is meditating the most. 😂 When the culture gets into even our meditation practices we can see its real power. I'm so glad you could laugh at it! x
That’s hilarious! Part of my inventure is a commitment to be willing to lose at all things. I have really loved this concept-it’s fun!
Yes, we all get to this point sometimes, and you’re right, fighting it or trying to push through is, at best, a frustrating, and at worst a soul-sucking endeavor. I find that walking or just being in nature, leaving my active brain at the door, and just experiencing the sights and sounds, works best for me, (a sort of walking meditation).
Totally agree! I also find that moving my body is a great shortcut to bringing nature back in.
I am ALL IN on the self-cutting-yourself-a-fucking-break. Needed this. May tattoo the whole business somewhere prominent. Belly but backwards so I can do I quick review while I brush? Gonna workshop the idea. THANK YOU SO HAPPY YOU ARE HERE.
HAHAHA! You go first, I'll follow. 😜
Totally Ro, this is absolutely the way and you make this space even more wonderful by modelling that and reassuring us you'll give when you're full and rest when you're not. It's also good to know you're not a robot. 😉 Unless of course you are deep deep cover and the mission is to get the humans all chilled out and peaceful before the takeover to avoid all that sci-fi conflict cliche? In which case I look forward to the Gracious Badger robot uprising.
Okay, the Gracious Badger robot uprising is a genuinely chilling idea that I'm pretty sure will give me nightmares. Nah, I'm way too much of a squishy sleepy mess to make a convincing android. 🤪
Excellent, well that's ruled out the only possible reason not to cut yourself a break and rest. Apologies for the nightmares!
Ha! You're the coolest 💚💚💚💚
Gracious Badger Robot Uprising—I am already a fan of this punk rock band. ✅ (please someone start it)
THIS I CAN GET BEHIND 👩🎤👩🎤👩🎤
Spot on!!
I hear you!!!!
My creativity was my outlet for years, my way of checking out of the present while I worked, while I was a caregiver for my husband, while I watched him slowly die.
And now that I have nothing else pulling at me, nowhere I have to be, nowhere I have to go, and I can paint all day if I like, create, write a new book... I often can't find the energy, the spark, the drive that used to have my fingers flying over the keys, the paintbrush sailing over tiny rocks and other projects.
I'm often feeling empty.
So I recently learned to cut myself slack, and just sit with the emptiness. Just stare out at the garden, listen to audiobooks while doing absolutely nothing with my hands.
And it's okay. I'm okay.
I've given myself permission to just be, and slowly, I'm beginning to create again. And even when I'm not feeling creative, I can go to bed at night satisfied by whatever way I've spent my day, be it creating, or just being.
I hope you too find comfort in just being, and thank you for this post which let me open up and share my journey. <3 Love to you and Marty.
Wow, Kathryn. I think it's such an excellent point that creativity can also be escapism. And when it's no longer time to escape it might go away for a while out of compassion. Sending so much love for all you've been through. And bravo for the stillness, which must have been difficult at the beginning. 💚
Such a huge point. It was the medicine that got me through some really hard times too - and then it did sort of become a monster of coping for a bit. Such an interesting thing to navigate.
Love this. Seasons. Who knows what will be birthed from this time where you let yourself rest and renew? What new inspirations could be waiting on the other side <3
This timing is beyond perfect. I’ve got a writing deadline on April 11–the same date the moving truck comes. I’m feeling drained by packing and good-byes after 23 years in this amazing home. But yes, I am giving myself all of the breaks. I had a 2 hour massage and Reiki treatment yesterday and the message that came through? “Level up.” Stepping right into a new adventure of life and I’m so excited! I’ll meet my writing deadline, the house will get packed, and I’ll make some amazing experiences along the way. Thanks for the reminder right this minute to not get stuck in the muck. (I think “level up” literally came right from the Write Into Light prompt when I created a video game character. 2019 WIL alum and can’t thank you and the team enough for that class!)
One step at a time! I'm cheering for you Karen <3
I do your beautiful life partner’s allow meditation daily. It helps. I hope your juju doesn’t stay away long. It’s perhaps waiting for you in the forest and will return on a walk with your lil one 🥰
What I’m learning about meditation is that it can look like so many different things. My cooking yesterday was definitely a form of meditation for me, and I’m sure it helped bring back the juju! 😊
🤞and the incredible bonus is you created a recipe and sustenance for your family (unless you ate it solo) all at the same time. Look at how fricken amazing you are. Now go give yourself an extended fkg break. I plan to do the same. Thanks for the community offering to join. I think I belong on this spaceship 🚀
So glad you're on the spaceship! And I meant to say before how much I love the Surrender, Allow meditation too. Revolutionary.
I did share the food! 😂🍄
I imagined you would, share the food, but did not would not judge you if you didn’t thanks to many hours/years of meditating and shedding cultural shackles. I do the S/A meditation while the national anthem is playing everyday (I work in schools)...shhh 🤫 don’t tell anyone...I’ll get kicked out of the herd.
As for the spaceship part, I keep imagining us on a rocket but going down and in vs out and up, kinda like on the children’s television series The Magic School Bus - you’re driving btw with better hair, a much cooler accent and a way less annoying voice 😂 I am thrilled to be here. This experience is taking a perpetual line in my gratitude journal. Off we go! 🚀 (damn it, they need to make an emoji that points down)
Your voice is not annoying at all. I should never write anything immediately upon waking 😂
In fact, I read all of your comments with your actual voice playing in my head. Is that weird? 😂 weird is okay. It has to be, as it’s true 🤓
This all strikes me as completely normal. By which I mean utterly weird. That's how we roll around here, right? 💚
I love this timing- I had Alexa play the theme song for the show Gimme A Break for my momma last night! We played it through a few times singing loud enough to make the dog tilt her lil Pomeranian head.
Thank you for sharing this because I get SO down on myself for not producing creatively. When you feel it’s your purpose in life, it gets messy inside.
If it makes you feel better, I never know what day it is- I mean for real. I only know it’s Saturday because beau is in the living room reading the paper. So as a listener and a reader it’s always a delightful surprise when you pop in!
I also now have a desire to rewatch the sopranos. Tony Soprano (minus the really bad stuff) reminds me so much of my Daddio. It’s been several years now since my Dad made his too early transition. I think it’s time.
Thank you.
P.S. I can’t help but wonder, will we be getting some recipes in this newsletter…That mushroom steak sauce recipe is making me hungry and it’s barely after 9am.
Of course, do not add that to any list. It’s only if the muse fills you!
Omg Tony is SUCH an ambiguous character. I can totally see how he could remind you of your dad.
Recipes eh? Interesting! I can totally see that happening. It’s so fun to be figuring out what this space is together! 💚